New Blog

For several reasons, I have made a new blog. So, no more posts on this one!

Heres the new address!

http://jcram08.blogspot.com/

Surrender

I believe in every post I have made it clear that I have a huge issue with control. I tend to refer to myself as a control freak, but I am beginning to wonder if that is an under statement for me? As I was sitting here messing around online this morning, I noticed that my friend made a really cool video so I decided to watch it. I then noticed that it was 6 minutes long, which if you know me by now, you also know that my attention span barely can last a minute. But, nevertheless, I decided to watch it. It was a neat video to the Revelation Song. She did a fantastic job with the pictures and she even put some scriptute in it which was really neat. Anyways, that is not the point of me talking about the video she made. I was wondering why the video would be so long because the song isn't all that long, at least not 6 minutes long! I continued to watch and as the song finished, it still had about 2 minutes left of video, so of course this left me curious. Although, I expected some altar call and scary "you are going to hell" message from this friend. And because of my last comment, this is why I am leaving her name anonymous in this post. Okay getting sidetracked here, sorry! The last two minutes were filled with silence, a picture of the cross in the background, and the word "surrender" in bright, bold, red font. I stared at this for the entire two minutes. I am not sure if my friend meant to have the effect that she had on me, but if she did, kudos to her for succeeding. One simple word and I am contemplating my life. Sometimes I think that my brain is so scattered that it can make a mountain out of a mole hill! Wow, I used an analogy that someone my grandmother's age would make! Ahh getting distracted again! Anyways, this caused me to pay attention to the lack of surrendering that I do. I don't want to be one of those people who holds things back. I want to surrender everything, even the cake that I am about to dive into after I post this! Surrender...what a simple word can do in my life. Oh, how beautiful it will be.

The Desires of My Heart

I don't really like writing posts that cause me to look badly, but this was one of those "aha" moments for me. My friends from high school (well, all but like 3) are not the greatest influences for my life or anyone else life either. When I went away to school, I was kind of cut off from these friends besides the occasional text and the facebook connversations. I was completely a different person out in Indiana than what I was in high school. The temptations that used to exist in my life were not really there, and the friends that I have from school are ones that every high school and college girl would dream of. It was the perfect environment! Then, I came home for summer break. My work is where I meet most of my friends. I love most of the people that I work with, and I tend to hang out with them more than anyone else. My best friend in high school, Laura, has had a busy summer, so we have yet to hang out. I have been getting better with hanging out with Christian friends, but of course I improve in this area when it is almost time for me to leave again. Anyways, the "aha" moment is the purpose of this post. Yesterday I was invited by a group of my friends (the non christian friends) to go to a club. I have been to clubs before, so it wasn't the whole club idea that bothered me the most. What caused me to hesitate was the girls that I would be going with. I said no at first, but then finally decided to go, thinking that I could handle it. I had been texting my friend about this whole situation all day, and when I told her that I had changed my mind and that I was going, my "aha" moment came in. She sent me a text saying what is it that your heart is truly desiring. That question made me stop and think. By saying that I would go with this group of girls, was I saying that my heart desired their friendship over Christ? Was I truly desiring something more than Christ? And, after going to this club, I realized that it wasn't something that Christ would even desire for me.

Sometimes I Forget How Big You Are...

Its inevitable...I am an air head. Whether you have been my friend for a year or 10, you know it. My memory at times is awful, and my attention span is at times no existant. When I was diagnosed with ADHD, I had a sense of "there is no hope for me, this is why I am an air head." Then, my friends discovered that I was given this label and began to tell me that it fits me. Well, yeah! I have it! Of course it fits me! My random fits of screaming and running are not only a gift from God, but they are also listed as a learning disability. Like I said, I believe that that is one reason that I forget things a lot. Well, yes, I forget things because I didn't pay attention in the first place, but I do pay attention at times and still forget things. And sometimes, I even forget two of the most important truths that I need to remember in my life. One of those truths is that my God is so big that He is the God of the universe. Not just the God of this earth, because I think that some political leaders of today believe that they have that title. My God says that He is the God of the universe. In my physics class last semester, when we were learning about a number to a power, my professor showed us a video of positive exponents, and just how big they can get. We travelled through space (or the video basically travelled through space as we sat there and watched), and as the exponent got larger, the universe was still going! The numbers got so large that it covered the entire screen! And to think, thats how big my God is! Another truth that I all so often forget is the love that my Father has for me. I am not talking about my earthly father, although he does love me very much. I am talking about the Father who will never abandon, never hurt, and never stop loving me. I struggle with being able to accept that someone who I hurt daily, someone that I disobey hourly, loves me beyond any measure. But, alas, its the truth that can never be changed.

The Forward of Your Life

Earlier today, I was having a connversation with a close friend that I work with. I was telling her how easy it seemed to just drop out of school, write a book, and become famous. I thought that she would give me this huge lecture about how basically my book wouldn't be any good, and that I needed to stay in college. Well, there was no lecture. She simply asked me if she could write the forward. Her being a good friend of mine, of course I said yes! I even said that I would be greatly delighted if she were to write the forward to my book. See, she thought that my book would be an autobiography. I would never write an autobiography. In order to have an autobiography...don't you have to be famous first? Anyways, sidetracked! Next thing she said totally threw me off. She didn't have to take a while to think, but she said that she had her introduction to the forward already in her mind. It was basically this: "Put the bottle down and pull the pants up: the autobiography of Jen". Is that what I really want the forward of my life to be? For isn't an autobiography the story of your life? Is that what I want to be known for? I didn't really respond to her saying this, because I was thinking so much about it. Is that the impression that I really give those around me? That doesn't have to be what the forward to our lives is. The forward to our lives indeed can show the struggles that we have, but we can overcome them. It kind of bites how the weaknesses in our lives stick out the most sometimes, but there is healing and power behind it. Showing this to me makes me more and more motivated to change so that the forward of my life may say "Follower of Christ", or "Deeply in love with her Savior!" So, what will the forward of your life say? Are you pleased with it? Or are there areas in where you need to change as well? That change can be brought from Christ. You can be washed clean, purified, and sanctified by Christ. Let the forward of your life be the stongest part of your life, not your weakness!

Women of Faith Conference

Of course I would have to write a blog about this weekend, even if I haven't written anything for about a month! One reason why I haven't written is well...because of shame. The decisions that I have been making for my life had been a disaster. I am very relieved, however, that I am able to write this blog. It is without a doubt going to be longer than any other blog that I have ever written, but thats okay! Where to begin...oh yes! For those of you who are expecting me to talk about some life changing experience, altar rush type experience, you are expecting way too much. Yes, the conference was wonderful, and I will talk about it some, but that was not the most rewarding part of the trip. I honestly didn't expect to really connect with anything that the speakers were saying. This one speaker in particular, who happens to be a counselor as well, was one that really stuck out to me. Not because of her "Jesus advice", but because of her theory on her own work. Her saying was "Psychology reveals, God heals". Another awesome point that she made was that being able to bring psychology and theology together is what the key is. How perfect for me to live on! I am a weirdo when it comes to my love for psychology, and very opinionated and hungry when it comes to theology!

After that, I wouldn't have expected to get anymore from any of the speakers. I guess I kind of went in with a closed heart. Anyways! One of the speakers, actually, the same one that I spoke of in the paragraph above, really had me thinking. She shared a story of a woman that she knew, and as soon as she started talking about her, it was like hearing about myself. But the thing is, the only connection as far as experiences goes was that we had one similarity from our pasts. The choices that we made because of our past, however, were the same. This opened my eyes to realize that this too was effecting me. But, her next point is what made the tears flow! It is my choice to do the things that I have been caught up in. Yes, it is as a result of what happened, but this is my own choice, not anyone elses. This just made me more stubborn and angry that I was allowing myself to live this way!

So, I bet as you are reading this, you are thinking that the paragraph above was the most rewarding part of my weekend. But, it isn't! It doesn't really even have to do with the conference. My dads coworker was the lady who invited me. I barely even knew her, but of course, I have no "going out of my comfort zone". I now consider her my friend, so I can call her that now :). Anywho...my friend really had a challenge that was going on in her life. It wasn't towards the end of today (Saturday), that this challenge got even more difficult. My most rewarding experience was being there for her, and praying for her. Maybe I spent more time praying for her than anything else, but thats okay. The conference could have been cancelled, and it still would have been a rewarding weekend just being there for her. This also showed me something that I think God has been trying to show me all along. I have been blessed (or cursed however you see it), with a gift of feeling other people's pain. I thought that I only felt that way when someone was sad because it was someone that I loved and cared about, and knew very well. This proved that wrong. I barely even knew her. Yes, I cared about her, because I had talked to her a bit before this, but I didn't know her. What a rewarding experience it was. The pain for her and struggles are still there, and that doesn't stop this experience just because the trip is over. And, please be praying for her as she is still going through this! My dear new friend, you are blessing to me!

I Seem To Have Lost My Oar

I am going to try and be clever and use an analogy here, so this may not turn out too well! This summer, I have paddled my way into this deep water that is not safe. The temptations are high, and the environment isn't the greatest. The water is rough, and many storms pass through. At the beginning of the summer, I was doing great and had both of my oars, and my life jacket. As the summer continued to go on, the storms seem to get really bad and I lost control of one of my oars. So here I am, with one oar, and a life jacket that I am not letting go of. The thing is, the storms are not going to stop anytime soon, so its only a matter of time until I will lose my other oar. Then, I will be left with only my life jacket. Now to explain this whole analogy thing because it probably didn't make any sense at all. Both of my oars are the growth that I am using. Let me explain this. My growth in Christ has slowly enabled me to withstand storms that otherwise I could never fight. Before, putting myself into this environment was like walking the plank. Before, I would have lost both of my oars right away. I am slowly losing my control (my oars), and going back to where I was a couple of years ago. It seems as if my decisions are worse now than ever. As Paul has stated, I do the things that I wish not to do. My life jacket, of course, is my God. That life jacket will never come off, but only if I choose to utilize it will it come into play. It has to be a decision of mine. My life jacket is buckled so close to me that there is no way that it is going to come off. My prayer, Oh God, is to sprint to you and allow you to be my strength!