Anger and Patience Connection

I have an issue with my patience and I have an issue with anger. I never really thought about there being a connection until I found verses about anger, and over half of them had to deal with patience as well. Anger hasn't really been a problem for me, except for recently. I don't know what is going on, but I get angry at almost everyone, and I definetely don't hold back. I lash out at everyone, even when they really don't do anything. I never thought that my patience would be the core of the issue. Let me explain. I will be talking to someone and they will be trying to tell me something, and that is when I lose my patience. That is when I start to go off on them and of course they will get upset. Another thing is I don't really know why I have been so impatient lately. I try and try to figure out why, but everything I think of is only really an excuse. I blame it on lack of sleep because of my work schedule and everything else going on. I also blame it on the stress of all this doctor stuff, but I have had these issues for a while now, not just this summer. Maybe I am getting impatient with it all now, I don't know. I'd rather not make excuses for myself, because thats not going to get me anywhere. I guess this is something that I just have to work on, with God of course. Yet another summer project!

The Decison Has Been Made

Today was once again another visit to the doctors. By this time, we had been hoping that the new medicine was working and that I wouldn't have to go through anymore surgeries or anything. Sadly, the medicine that he put me on didn't have any effect, and we are back to where we started. He gave me two options, both which were hard choices to make. My mom went with me, and I am glad that she did. I hate making decisions, and I knew that she would be able to help me. At first, we just kind of stared at one another. I was really hoping for my mom to say that the one choice sounded better than the other, but she didn't. My main goal in this was to choose the least painful choice. Both, unfortunately, have their own side of pain. Since I had the surgery in December, we decided to try the treatments to see if they would do any better. If, after the first treatment, the side effects are too much for me, we will then go through with the surgery again. I would rather do neither, but that wasn't really an option. Starting next Tuesday, the treatments begin. So, every Tuesday for the next six weeks, I will be getting these treatments. The doctor described what they are going to do, and that in itself is a huge turn off! I am terrified! He told me what the pain is going to feel like, and it doesn't sound the greatest! Sigh, these next six weeks are going to be the longest of the summer!

Only One Strength

It is a huge struggle for me to rely on anything but my own strength. This is probably the biggest downfall for me. We cannot do anything without God as our strength. I have noticed this more and more this week. I kind of feel dumb saying this, but I just recently discovered that temptation is not a sin. Just because we are tempted, does not mean that that is a sin. It is the decision that we make when we are tempted. If we fall to temptation, then that is sin, but if we choose to walk away and turn away, that is not a sin. The temptations this week have been so strong. Stronger than they have been before. I am not sure if that is just because I am trying to fight them harder, or if they really are just stronger. Of course, I have been trying to rely on my own strength on order to get over them. I have been so far successful in turning away, but how long with my own strength last? It is only on God's strength can we truly fight off temptation. Like I am now, we may fool ourselves into thinking that we can do it on our own, but we will eventually because without Him as our strength, we cannot do it. I have been sitting here thinking to myself that I am just waiting to fail, because I know that I cannot do it alone. But, what is that getting me? I am setting myself up for failure. Its a choice. Continue to rely on own self, or rely on the greatest strength that we can have. I think I know who's strength I am going to choose.

No More Half Of Me

I talked to one of my close friends this week, and I told them that I didn't really want to go back to Huntington because I was tired of most of the people being fake. Me, of all people to complain about that. I can honestly say that I am one that would fake it. If something was wrong between God and I, I pushed it away and ignored it. No more. I am tired of being the fake person that I was. There would be days, weeks that I wouldn't even talk to God! I wouldn't even acknowledge that I knew Him! Of course, He would come to mind when I knew that I was doing something wrong, but I would just push it to the back of my mind. No wonder I have been having a hard time grasping that He loves and forgive me. Our relationship has basically been nothing. I would occasionally go to Him, but then I would cut myself off by a thought that He didn't care, or that I had sinned so much and so badly that He would never take me back. An image of God pushing me away and turning His back to me would always come to mind. Ever since I have been home, so many things have changed about me. I have conformed to my family so much just by the way that I speak and act. I am tired of that! I don't want to be one of those fake Christians that annoy me so badly. Maybe they annoy me so badly because I see the same sin in them that I am haunted by! From here on out, I don't care if someone thinks that I am some over the top, crazy, Christian. I am not giving half of myself to Him. I am not witholding because I want to conform to society. No! No longer am I fake, and no longer is He going to only get pieces of me. He is getting all of me!

Lack Of Patience

Another thing that I am pretty good at is having no patience at all! This kind of goes with the not allowing God any control either. I have no patience, ecspecially when I am waiting for something important. I could have just let God have control and allow it to work out in His time, but no, I had to worry and put myself through much more than I needed to. Definetely a lesson learned! The big question I have been looking at since then, is where do I go from here? I kind of felt like an idiot and ashamed to even talk to God because I didn't give Him a chance and here I was worrying about nothing! I have found this to be a problem in my relationship with God, now. At times, I feel like He is not going to give me the time of day because I chose to ignore Him when I needed Him the most. Its kind of like I feel as if I am using Him. I can only go to Him when things are good, I can't trust Him when things are rough. This totally bites! I know the truth, and just because I turned my back on God doesn't mean that He has turned His back on me. Something hard to drill into my mind and heart, though. The past 2 days have seemed to be somewhat better. I think it is going to take a while for me to start to believe that God is still going to accept me, even though I did not trust Him. Hopefully, things get back to the way they were sooner than later!